The Day The Sun Broke
by Loke Groundrunner
Summary: Link plays the Sun's Song one too many times. If they had Facebook in Shakespeare's day, he would have liked this fic. And so will you.


Link™ sat on the shore of Lake Hylia, dressed like a hipster. He was dressed like a hipster because he was trying to hide from his sworn enemy, notorious conman and infomercial tycoon Kevin Trudeau, who sought to harvest Link's legendary golden locks for his nefarious hair-farming scheme. He was also hiding from the Cucco paparazzi that wanted his blood and Ruto, the crazed fish-woman who always tried to rape him.

Link was staring up at the wide blue expanse above his head through his tinted hipster glasses. It was late afternoon and grasshoppers could be heard buzzing poorly remastered versions of Concerto No. 1 in E Major from Antonio Vivaldi's Four Seasons throughout the area. A group of Tektites played volleyball far off in the distance upon the surface of the lake.

Link yawned. "Bor-ing."

He reached into a pocket of his skinny jeans and extracted his Ocarina of Time®. He held the cold, cursed clay-thing to his lips and played the Sun's Song. Within a moment, the sun shot beneath the horizon as the sky was painted a multitude of shades of primrose. The sky turned a shade of dark blue, like it had just finished listening to One Direction and needed to throw up. A Wolfos howled from somewhere far away. The stars appeared like the hungry eyes of a serial killer and the moon took control of his domain.

Link smiled as the crickets took to their legfiddles. Ah, the glorious night had come…

But so had the Thespian Mosquitos.

They descended from above upon the boy, their wings buzzing the tune from Mussorgsky's Midnight On Bald Mountain. They stabbed their proboscises into his tender flesh, seeking to drink the precious nectar that was his blood. In a fit of rage, Link filled himself with darkling energies, contaminating his blood with caustic acidity. No sooner had the sanguine arrived in the mosquitoes' gut that it killed them instantly.

Link arose from the bluff where he had been seated, his visage and form swollen beyond cognizance, but he was healed instantly by the prayers of fangirls from far beyond the threshold of the Fourth Wall. Annoyed, he took his ocarina in hand and played the Sun's Song once more. The moon raced to the other end of the heavens and disappeared. The serial killer's eyes were put out. The skies turned the shade of Kirby and the sun appeared, blazing like a hot orb of gaseous vengeance. A Cucco crowed.

The darkling energies that Link had called on to save him began to corrupt him like the company of good friends. He was dissatisfied with the morning and wished that evening would reclaim the skies. He played the Sun's Song once more. Night fell again and the Wolfos howled. Still, he was not pleased. He played the song again. Morning came and the Cucco crowed again.

An evil glint then appeared in Link's orbs as a hell-spawned notion was birthed from the womb of Satan. He placed his clay whistle-flute to his lips and played the Sun's Song continuously, as if it were a devilish fugue composed by a man with the mind of a flying squirrel. Day and night began to shuffle crazily like the playlist of a depressed iPod. The Cucco and the Wolfos were cawing and howling madly out of control. The sun and moon were racing across the sky like they had drunk one too many Boston lagers.

The sun cried out, "Sucka, you gonna kill us all!"

Link said nothing. He continued his concerto.

The night and the day began to cycle so quickly that it seemed that they had been thrown into a blender stuck on frappe. The Cucco and the Wolfos died from exhaustion. The sun then stood at its highest zenith and shattered, its golden shards raining down upon the earth as its deathrays were loosed and scorched every green field, killing millions of innocent bystanders mercilessly. The sky blackened and snow began to fall, ushering in the long night of the soul.

Link smiled. He was satisfied.

A figure then appeared on an islet nearby. Link ran over there. Perched atop a lone gravestone was Kaepora Gaebora, that owl-headed font of wisdom eternal (It is commonly accepted among linguists that the name Kaepora Gaebora derives from an ancient Abenaki phrase meaning, "Feathered nuisance who talks more than my ex-wife and doesn't know when to stuff a corncob in it".)

Though he lacked the appropriate facial muscles to express human emotion, the owl's voice was filled with the madness and cadence of a Shakespearean actor on crack who just realized that the stagehand had gotten him a club sandwich instead of a club soda.

"Sirrah! Link! Hast thou any thought to what thou hast wrought?! Thou hast killed the sun! O Sun! Thou burning eye of God that hangeth bypon the firm'ent! We are wroth without thine brilliant shinings! We art totally screw'd! Yon thirsty vampyres shall cometh forth from yonder seawards and feast 'pon man without hindrance! Evermore shall night cast his thermoplastic blanket 'cross ourn hearths! Ne're again shall…"

This continued in a similar vein for two and one-half hours.

"…Thou hast caused the world to become unbalanced, O sand-haired one! What foul fates hath conspired to pull the strings of thine heart to do such an heartless deed? Have you no thought to…"

Link rolled his eyes. He had grown tired of this oration of ordure. He tossed aside his hipster's glasses, which sunk beneath the bed of growing snow. He ripped off his moustache, green t-shirt, blue jeans and black Converse All-Stars in one swift motion. He was now dressed in a gray fedora, a black pinstriped suit and uncomfortable-looking black shoes. He was sporting a ridiculously undersized moustache that made him look like Thomas Dewey. He was also now cel-shaded, as he was always intended to be.

He was Hipster Link no more.

He now was…

GANGSTER LINK.

Gangster Link raised up a pant leg and extracted his Master Gun from its ankle holster. It was a handgun, but it was really a machine gun. He held up his Gun and unleashed a spray of bullets that made several bleeding constellations in the body of the annoying bird, forever silencing his clamourous beak.

Kaepora Gaebora fell from his deathperch to his death. Link scooped up the body of his feathered victim and swallowed him whole, savoring the owl's greasiness as it danced 'cross his palate. Link spat out the talons and used them as toothpicks before casually discarding them to the frozen wastes all about.

Link looked all around. As far as the eye could see, there was naught but snow; snow falling from above, snow on the ground, snow on the trees, snow on you and snow on me.

Link sighed. He was bored again, and there was an important lesson that needed to be learned, but he didn't want to learn it. He took out his ocarina and played the theme from _The Godfather_. The talons floated out of the snow and landed before him, transforming into a black 1939 Chrysler Imperial. Zelda, Malon, Saria and Ruto were sitting in the backseat. Link climbed into the car and drove off into the nonexistent sunset, running over several Cuccos and Ganondorf, who was dressed like a Cucco. So they drove to Vegas, got married by Tingle dressed as Elvis and lived polygamously ever after.

_Fin_


End file.
